Report from Santa Claus’s Chief Investment Officer
Posted in : Opinion:
- On : Dec 24, 2015
As some of you know, Santa Claus is real and I have been his Chief Investment Officer for the last nine years, he is my favorite client.
A couple years back, Santa authorized me to release basic summaries of financial data in a year end report.
For a few centuries he has had a policy of releasing enough information about his existence to keep a healthy balance between doubters and believers.
The assets of the Sovereign Wealth Fund for the North Pole Independent Kingdom of Claus have increased roughly 11% to a total of $2.01 trillion. There was an additional 3% increase in principal which Santa spent in a special effort mid year to avert both a major war and two natural disasters. He has often done things like this with people unaware of the problems that are avoided.
The investment allocation remains conservative, primarily allocated to bonds and real estate with a small exposure to precious metals. Twin Focus Capital has been managing most aspects of Santa’s family office investments. We also increased our hedge fund, venture capital and private equity allocations again this year with a commitment to Dan Och at Och Ziff, Andreessen Horowitz, Pantera and a deal with Bain Capital which we are very happy about by which Santa will allocate $9 billion to a mirror of the Bain Cap global private equity fund and silently co-invest on all deals.
Despite a strong belief in Bitcoin and regular watching of YouTube videos by Roger Ver, Santa has authorized only minimal purchases, primarily for gifts. We purchased some fair sized coin blocks from Gemini, Barry Silbert and DCG and several gift cards from Gyft as well as Bitcoin allocations from Coinbase and Circle. Santa will be using ChangeTip to give away Bitcoin on Christmas. The elves in our treasury department have created a new position for the purpose of exchanging alt-coins and are using ShapeShift for this purpose. We have taken a small position in publicly traded BTCS. We were hoping that Coinbase, Circle and Bitfury would have provided allocations to recent funding rounds but the complete confidentiality of Santa’s existence proved difficult in the paperwork process so our attorneys, Marco Santori and Brian Klien advised against trying to buy this stock.
BLOCKCHAIN NAUGHTY AND NICE RECORD
There are two blockchain based initiatives in our group. One is an auditing of the toys and other gifts and reconciled with requests which is being run on Factom. Factom founder Paul Snow has been invited to meet Santa several times and Santa always comments that he loves Paul’s last name. Unfortunately due to Santa’s fears about his enemies hiding in warm climates like Texas, he has Paul’s memory erased for Paul’s own protection after each meeting.
The other initiative is to place the naughty and nice list on a blockchain using Ethereum or Rootstock. Ethereum founder Vitalik also visited the North Pole and was able to provide tips and advice for assembly and supply chain management to the elves. This is impressive as the process has already been improved for hundreds of years. Vitalik also had his memory of the meeting erased for his own protection, this took a larger hard drive than usual due to Vitalik’s large memory capacity. I have lodged a complaint with North Pole security as I do not feel it is ethical to erase memories, even though the subjects agree to it beforehand.
Santa’s efforts to place the naughty and nice list onto blockchain based solutions have been slower moving than expected because of difficulty finding developers who have both the technical skills and willingness to move to the North Pole permanently without us being able to reveal the job or company / organization due to confidentially. The elves, sadly, while extremely advanced in manufacturing and hardware as well as game design and certain software, have not advanced to the levels we need to see on coding for blockchain apps. We are speculating that elves may not feel welcome in coding due to lack of prominent coder elf role models.
There are some delays in payment from the treasury department this year and I’m going to be honest here, it was primarily due to elves spending too much time playing Fallout 4. Elves have always loved games and for years have enjoyed computer games. This year they had a high workload and performed well, but the excessive game playing did delay them in some tasks. As investment manager, I’ve implemented a new policy to incentivize getting all work done on schedule and it seems to be working. There is still some personality conflict with me as a non-elf having this position and supervising elves who in some cases have over 900 years of experience going back to the early days of the fund and its origins in Norway.
One other challenge is with Legolas. When he rejoined the elves a couple years back, everyone was very proud of his appearance in the Lord of the Rings movies. He worked with the security team for a bit in archery training but these days he mainly sits around barking at people about how he is a movie star and looking with distain on the other elves. He placed a sign above his cubicle that’s reads “I ain’t no toy maker elf, I’m Legolas, punks.” Hopefully his attitude will improve.
MANUFACTURING AND DISTRIBUTION
The combination of advanced technology and magic has continued to remain efficient in gift creation. As always, we use multiple private companies for distribution. This year we significantly increased our partnership with Overstock.
Due to the many tens of billions spent on gifts, Santa doesn’t do as much charitable giving as he’d like. Santa supports charitable funds to aligned giving projects of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation as well as direct donations to Wilbraham Monson Academy, BitGive, Sean’s Outpost, members of the Real Life Superheroes Project, the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, a secret project designed to maintain and increase adoption of tabletop games and 11 other confidential projects.
Overall, due to secrecy and since I volunteered, the work as Chief Investment Officer for Santa has been challenging but rewarding.
I cannot reveal anything further due to confidentiality.