Economy Got you Down? Uncle Sam to the rescue!
If you too are tired of the grind (and tired of Uncle Sam wasting your money) and cant beat em, join em!
Nothing cures the blues like a cushy Federal job. Previously known for easy work in exchange for low pay, the double whammy of a down economy and increasing govt have made it the best of both worlds! Be lazy and make a mint!
Note: These are ACTUAL job posts from the US Government with ACTUAL salary data as of 4-27-2010 from USAjobs.gov the official US Govt employment site. Editorial comments added.
Tired of having to accomplish things, answer to login and work while at work?
No more. With over 1,000,000 new Federal Govt jobs, with over 100,000 of them paying over $100,000 a year (see below for perks in addition to salary), there is something for you, no matter how screwy you are.
Want to screen bags at the airport? How’s $70,000-90,000 grab you? (Supervisors can expect double that and we have about two dozen “supervisors” at each airport)
For every job you see below there are THOUSANDS more just like these!
SEC – Securities and Exchange Commission
Deputy Chief Accountant : Max pay $226,160 (plus potential increase based on high cost locations such as cities)
Manager : Max pay $226,160 (plus potential increase based on high cost locations such as cities)
Supervisory Health Insurance Specialist: Max Pay $155,500 (over a dozen openings)
Blue collar? No problem!
Supervisory Police Officer at the Pentagon Max Pay $155,500
Interested in kindergarten but don’t want to work so hard dealing with those pesky students and getting by on a suckers wage of $35-65 grand as a local teacher? Hows this sound?
Still sound too much like work? How about kicking back at the Library of Congress?
Deputy Assistant Director and Specialist, Domestic Social Policy, Library of Congress $165,300
Job Description: Don’t look too, busy, don’t think too much and basically give enough to get along with your co-workers.
Warning: Hard workers, please do not apply. You will make the other Government workers look bad.
Perks: In addition to the outlandish salaries listed, you can expect more
sick days (note, you do not actually need to be sick to have sick days),
and holidays than you can possibly imagine.
On top of these you can expect extended days off whenever you travel, have training, confrences or even meetings and workshops locally.
Workweek: About half of the private sector. Official breaks, uninterrupted lunches and early days off. By Friday don’t expect to see anyone working past 3pm. When you go home (often at 3 or 4 or maybe 5 in the afternoon) you will have few other people blocking traffic because its before rush hour.
Also, once home you are home – unless you work for the President, there is about a snowball’s chance that you will ever be called, have a meeting or have to even glance at the email until you officially begin your next workday.
During your workday you will not need to work that hard at all. You can play on Facebook, chat at the coffee pot or goof off.
Additional perks: No worries about P&L, little accountability to logic, subsidized equipment, computers and anything else you will need. You will never need spend a dime on a phone call or buy a sticky pad or pen without the Govt picking up the tab. Same for all professional development.
Additions to salary: Insanely good retirement plan, thrift plan with Govt footing the bill, top disability and other benefits you can imagine, additional per diem pay for all travel and meals. Expense accounts are common.
Powers: As an additional perk, many positions offer the ability to exert power over the citizen, often with unquestionable authoritarian force. This includes positions in the IRS, SEC, EPA, Homeland Security, FAA and many others. Generally we can make life difficult for everyone else and there is nothing they can do about it.
Advancement: Unless you show up drunk or punch a supervisor in the face (in which case you will be sent to a country club for rehabilitation, all expenses paid often while still collecting your salary) you can expect essentially automatic advancement based not on skill but on how long you stick around. You can also expect automatic advancement in pay based on inflation.
Lay offs: Huh?
Skills required: About 25% that of the private sector. Expert on cloud computing, advanced database design, complex financial matters or cutting edge medicine? Look elsewhere, here at the Govt we are about 10 years behind the private sector and like things just the way they are.
Retirement: We will still pay you after you stop working, often even though you have not contributed to a 401k plan or saved on your own. If you are “injured” (and in some cases about 100% of employees fall into this category) then you have essentially won the lottery.
Side effects: If you are the ambitious type, working in this environment can be boring. We recommend porn, Facebook’s Mafia Wars and inter-office affairs to take up the time. Don’t worry though, 3pm will come soon enough and you can be home a good 4-5 hours before your counterparts in the real world. Suckers!
Application process: Fill out a meaningless questionnaire and online application that is tedious and time-consuming, if you are not already one of us then you will have little chance of even knowing how to fill it all out. These applications are promptly ignored and the positions awarded to friends, political donors, family and pals. If you aren’t on the inside then don’t expect to be. Ask for an interview? Ha.
If $200,000 plus for a 30 hour a week gig with 48 paid vacation days and enough perks to make your head spin doesn’t grab you – there’d always government contracting, that’s where the real money is.
Osden Coolidge is a contributing editor to the FentonReport.